I want to be two

I have just changed gyms and as I removed my programmes, from my expensive ex-gym's folder, to take to my new, cheap, gym I noticed the rough, intermittently kept, listing I have kept of my weight during the two years there. A huge swing of 2.5kg, up, down and around. Unbelievable!

All the effort, all the energy and all the time that my poor brain spends thinking about weight and fat. All those kms run, weights pushed, stairs run, karate classes attended and so on. And GOLLY GEE WHIZ, I pretty much weigh the same all the time.

I suppose I should be grateful that my weight doesn't swing by 10kg or even just go up. It’s actually pretty much stable month after month after month, with little peaks and troughs. Think positively! This is exactly where my body should be; good eating, bad eating, exercise, little exercise. It just stays here.

I love my gym, and karate, and I love feeling strong and fit - so obviously the exercise I do is not about losing weight (Hmmm, bit of a failure if it is!) and a stupid number on a scale - so I say. But it sorta is! That's how my mind sees it every single day, when I dressing, or walking, or exercising, or whatever; it's always saying "too fat".

I wish I were two again. I wish I could have a day when I didn’t think I was fat.

Phoebe (2) and Ben (21) decorating the wall of Ben's flat.